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Saturday, May 31, 2003
i've realised how much colder my heart has grown to be over the past year. in that space between where he used to be, there were the memories, the hurt and dead scar tissue. and i've forgotten how it is to love someone, to accept love and to give myself to anyone. because the truths and the lies are still as real to me as before, and i don't want to hurt anymore, i don't want to cry and say i'm sorry and listen to people tell me they're sorry.
and Love means never having to say you're sorry.
i don't reply sometimes, because i don't know how to reciprocate ever since i forgot how it is to mean what i say and i don't want to lead you on to something that might not even materialise in the end. all your words, i've heard them before. and this time i'm going to take a longer time to believe them. and i might try to escape but you said that you'll run after me. maybe i do want you to run after me.
i don't want you to worry for me. i don't want you to be unhappy either.
i'll find my way out sometime and somehow.
char 5/31/2003 10:35:00 AM
Friday, May 30, 2003
anyway.
just confirmed that this girl in ac passed away. she was my kindergarten friend, still have a picture of the class with her in it.
i feel really terrible right now.
Lord please bless her and keep her and take care of her in heaven.
char 5/30/2003 12:12:00 AM
Thursday, May 29, 2003
the bball matches today were really damn damn damnnnn bloody freaking exciting!! i tell you i nearly peed in my pants during the last quarter of the guys' match against sa. it was so close!!! won by such a small margin but still enough to cover us hahah i can't believe we overthrew sa the powerhouse! i think a holiday would be in order. and so proud of yuying and her team...for putting up such a strong fight despite the stress and all. wah i think i went really really ballistic jumping up and down and everything and i sound quite off right now but i'm so happy happy happy!!
haha anyway yarh i'm happy about other stuff too...
and i wanna stay happy.
char 5/29/2003 11:44:00 PM
Saturday, May 24, 2003
 I am Kim L of American Idol.
Which American Idol Finalists Are You? brought to you by Quizilla
char 5/24/2003 07:31:00 PM
Friday, May 23, 2003
jiaying said that my favourite boy looks like squirt :) try and spot the differences.
char 5/23/2003 08:41:00 PM
Thursday, May 22, 2003
sitting in the library now ponning math lecture test.
and del? hellokittychopstickgang? gee, haven't heard that in some time :) heh
...the images and memories continue to haunt me.
a perpetual reminder, like a scab on my flesh,
but the wound is beginning to heal.
thank you for giving me my life back...
char 5/22/2003 12:30:00 PM
Tuesday, May 20, 2003
oh coolies! now this is new:
 Methodist Girls' School
which secondary school (singapore) should you be in? brought to you by Quizilla
i had to tweak the results to get this larh. hahaa. just wouldn't settle for scgs.
char 5/20/2003 11:06:00 PM
"If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were."
and there never was.
char 5/20/2003 10:42:00 PM
Saturday, May 17, 2003
Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through
For you
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear maybe ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile- what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worth while
If you just smile
Oh that's the time you must keep on trying
Smile what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worth while
If you just smile
at the risk of sounding like some happy bunny cheery monkey high on ecstasy (the drug) like someone i know, i. will. smile. i'll try, anyway.
char 5/17/2003 10:43:00 PM
Friday, May 16, 2003
closure
you know how i felt the first time i found out? numb. absolutely numb. it didn't help that it was so unprecedented, so sudden. i know i should have expected it but i do so like to hope against hope. and it wasn't a feeling of being shattered. i just couldn't think. then suddenly, it was like someone socked me in the stomach, i couldn't breathe properly. my breath ebbed and rose and my knuckles were gripped to their whites. and i had to feign feeble joy and grin and wince at the same time. i was blabbering and being extremely flighty, the way i am whenever i get nervous or scared. i really really couldn't think.
then came the liberation. the knowledge that i could be free. finally. and no longer chained to the past. no more wishing and hoping and thinking. no more trapping myself into a corner and settling the inner conflict between my mind and my heart. i used to dread the day when i would hear those words being uttered. but you know, it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. i'm not devastated. i'm relieved. i'm happy-sad.
yesterday, something within me died.
not that that's a bad thing.
oh and
joshua -waves- i know you're reading this you dodo. yesterday you did me a greater favour than you'll ever know.
now you can tell seow ha i told you so.
and seow? you really could have told me earlier :) love you anyway :)
char 5/16/2003 01:30:00 PM
Thursday, May 15, 2003
it's over. it's really truly over.
go away. you don't belong here anymore.
char 5/15/2003 10:36:00 PM
within my heart has bloomed a thousand automated flowers, in pink and lime and black, that whistle in the wind, spinning faster and faster and faster.
wait for me
char 5/15/2003 06:48:00 PM
Monday, May 12, 2003
i'm counting the steps to the door of your heart.
char 5/12/2003 11:33:00 PM
Saturday, May 10, 2003
basketball reminds me of you.
how you took the game so seriously, maybe even too seriously. the energy and intensity i saw on court, it awed me, and scared me. after you told me if your ankle broke again it was for good, and when i thought those muscle-building supplement things you wanted to take were akin to steriods, i pleaded with you to take it easier. you made me worried as hell. but i guess the game was just too important for you huh. so important you'd resort to taking drugs and risking injury. someone ever told me you played because she thinks you were hurt. i never got the chance to ask why. or how. sometimes i still worry for you. when i watch others play rough i cringe, and i think i'd probably cry if i were to see you playing that way too. i sound like such a pathetic ex-girlfriend with a penchant for holding on to the past and salvaging bits of whatever remnants that there may be. but for you i will.
but not anymore. not today, not ever.
char 5/10/2003 11:58:00 PM
Thursday, May 08, 2003
didn't go to orange julius in the end. din even go out of campus..hahah just moped around in school, complaining about the sweltering heat. damn tired today, wasn't exactly in the best of spirits even in the morning. but thank God for the math lesson that lasted for all of 10 minutes. mr yeow was rather nice to let us off early to go watch the polo match btw hc and ac, but i went home instead to sleep. haha didn't want to go nie again after yesterday, when i arrived at the bball court where ac was playing mj just in time to hear the last whistle being blown. heh so loserly right but credit goes to seow for not picking up her phone even after 5 calls.
ok think things are less bleak now, tmr there's this comm dinner with mrs goh and ms lim. haha once in a lifetime opportunity according to vincent so like yeah whatever. hope ms lim will be calm by then and be her usual ebullient self again. will really miss the comm actually. even with the power struggle last year and the Fcuking 4. and slowly i'm learning to smile at all the shit we've been through tog. and that is a good sign isn't it?
char 5/08/2003 11:33:00 PM
i hate it when my best is never enough. when people size me up and say you didn't try your hardest when i know i did. and when i'm happy about the outcome after all the effort i invested, it just takes another thing to sink the reality into me, that once again i fall short and the result just wasn't good enough. it's one thing to keep building myself up and up, over and over, but it's another thing to keep crashing into the throes of depression after i realise my hoping was in vain.
when ms lim cried yesterday, it was so heartwrenching. to see your own conductor cry before you, and even underneath that veil of tears affirm us that she'd never neglect us. it was just so painful, and i wish she just didn't care so much about us, and that she didn't give so much of her own person. if she just kept a distance and not let her emotions run in the way...then both her and the choir could afford to give less, take more, and stay unscathed. but then again, i wouldn't want that to happen. i know i'd hate it if ms lim were more attached to nj, if she called them "her baby" and if she shed tears over them. i realised too that i really really did love ms lim even past all her erraticism and neuroticism and that scared me. it scared me to think that hc choir meant so much to me, and that suddenly us not getting into finals signalled the end of my term. this is so sad. ok ponned math lect and there's no gp so shall go to orange julius now.
char 5/08/2003 12:36:00 PM
Wednesday, May 07, 2003
i've got a whole melange of feelings swirling within me right now. but i'm honestly too sedated and tired to think logically and say anything coherent. when my words won't fail me as much as i think they would i'll type here again.
char 5/07/2003 11:21:00 PM
syf choral central judging 2003
Hwa Chong Junior College
Gold.
thank you and goodnight.
char 5/07/2003 12:47:00 AM
Saturday, May 03, 2003
this just struck me a few days ago. bryan said the song is like an expression of romeo's love for juliet. lit prowess. yeah then he went on to tell the guys to imagine dying for the girl of their dreams, and the girls to imagine their first love. hahahah shit funny. then i started wondering what or who different people could be thinking of when we sing. imagine some prc thinking of dying for his china bride.and yes speaking of which they are mostly attached. or bryan or vincent dying for someone. or being to die for.
ahahahahaha.
ok it's actually quite gruesome. -wills self not to think-
char 5/03/2003 11:56:00 PM
Thursday, May 01, 2003
my dad drove us around my old neighbourhood today after lunch. it felt strange seeing all the familiar houses and the not so familiar ones, the streets where my brother and i had cycled, hill park apartments where i roller bladed and stole golf balls, my ex-piano teacher's house, the route i used to walk back home whenever i came back from orchard, the sentry at the guard house. it was surreal, like i had just stepped back in time, reliving my childhood years. i really miss my old house at 27 jalan adat. i love the british colonial air about it, the gleaming whitewashed walls and fence, the balcony where i used to have breakfast, the porch. funny how all the houses seem so small now, and funny how the long steep road at jalan seni isn't as long and steep as i thought it used to be. i loved cycling down that street when i was younger, the initial panic as i descended down that steep slope, the wind in my hair and my shrieks of excitement breaking the quiet silence. i remember stepping on all the mimosas at university road, collecting saga seeds on a hill, remember the furtive glances i'd sneak at the road leading to the cemetry, never daring to stare openly. i left my childhood back there when i moved.
some memories are realities, and are better than anything that can ever happen to one again.
char 5/01/2003 11:44:00 PM
do you know lately i wish i could be there holding your hand once again. it's cheesy to say that my hand feels empty without yours but it really feels that way.
it really does.
char 5/01/2003 12:41:00 AM
ooh coolies my flat-screen is back. had to use this mountain of a monitor for the past week that really had a temper of its own. the display would compress sporadically and we'd have to hit the dumbass hard to restore the screen.
anyway had choir practice for the 3rd time in a row this week yesterday...there's another prac from 9-1 today, labour day. talk about no mercy. couldn't even run properly for 2.4 yday cuz my diaphragm was seriously overworked. had this sharp pain at the stomach region at my last 3 rounds...1st 3 rounds were alright and i thought i'd paced myself quite well until the pain started kicking in. then later i managed to get to the class bench with the help of yuying and jy and there i was leaning against the wall, moaning and groaning in pain and writhing in agony..scared this guy nearby with all my groans, i really sounded like i was in labour. had the face to match it too.
thinking about our performance in the inner plaza...i actually thought it wasn't too bad. ok we were shouting and all but i thought amor was really well sung. haha and i think we sounded better than i had expected. and yes -surprise surprise- the audience didn't dissipate after the band so that's gratifying. i'm really very very excited. everyone's getting hyped up on yahoo groups too, you should see all the encouraging messages and stuf being posted. it's like fragments of the elusive choir spirit is finally taking shape and slowly merging. haha. i really can't wait for tuesday. i think i've managed to banish almost all the trepidation from my system. and mrs goh actually wrote each of us in the comm a personal postcard. quite touched :) gona be in charge of hair and makeup on the day itself. and you'd think they would have slapped me with a less bimbo assignment. haiyarh. i'm gonna be stigmatized forever and ever. hope i'll be calm that day i really need to be calm...i get so flighty whenever i'm excited, and i giggle when i'm nervous. (bimbobimbobimbobimbo) please be calm -prays-
char 5/01/2003 12:12:00 AM
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